From time to time, we are reminded that life is not without difficulties. And often, it’s our partners who provide us with the emotional support and comfort we need to get through them. After all, it’s true that a friend in need is a friend indeed.
However, this relationship wasn’t able to withstand the test of hardship. When the boyfriend started feeling unusual pains and required his girlfriend‘s help, he was completely ignored. The same evening, he ended up having emergency surgery alone, which made him rethink their future and his marriage proposal.
It’s true that a friend in need is a friend indeed. However, this man learned it the hard way
Image credits: Mathurin NAPOLY / matnapo (not the actual photo)
It happened when his girlfriend ignored his emergency calls and he had to go into emergency surgery alone
Image credits:Long Truong (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Nearby_Volume_7067
Expecting emotional support from your partner doesn’t always mean receiving it
“I think it’s absolutely OK to look for and expect [emotional support] from your partner and I think most people do, whether or not they think that they should or they allow themselves to,” said Dr. Wendy Zhao, a clinical psychologist at the Clinic on Dupont in Toronto.
Yet, as we see from this couple’s story, expecting it doesn’t always mean receiving it. One reason for this is having different views on needing, asking for, and receiving emotional support. As children, humans learn intuitively from what they see around them. Because of this, how each individual behaves in a relationship can be vastly different, according to their culture, upbringing, and even gender.
For instance, one person may grow up learning to never ask for help and wait for it to be offered, while the other person is might be accustomed to reaching out for it. When these views clash, it might cause conflict to arise.
Another motive is that people vary in how much emotional support they need. They might have shared interests and enjoy spending time together while not really turning to each other for comfort or reassurance, which psychotherapist Jodee McCaw says is relatively common. They might even be used to seeking support outside the relationship, for example, from friends and family.
If they feel supported elsewhere and all their needs are fulfilled, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, says Zhao. However, if one partner requires a lot of emotional support and the other can’t provide it, then that can definitely become a great source of dispute.
In cases where the partner is not providing the emotional support one seeks, the relationship might not be doomed
In cases where the partner is not providing the emotional support one seeks, Zhao explains that it’s important not to panic. “It doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed,” she says. Instead, she advises communicating with the partner and understanding the kind of support each of them need, whether that’s empathy, validation, advice, or service.
To work towards receiving better support McCaw suggests that it’s worth taking a look back at any friends or family who were able to meet your emotional needs better than your partner and figuring out why. “And then you can go back to your partner with, ‘OK, here is what I think would help,'” she says.
Meanwhile, Zhao advises communicating mutual expectations early in the relationship so they don’t get let down after several years when their needs aren’t being met.
She also recommends keeping in mind that the level of emotional support can change depending on various circumstances. Sometimes couples may start taking each other for granted, which can additionally diminish support. But it’s not something that they can’t come back from, reassures Zhao.
Evaluating one’s true needs and being able to clearly communicate them to the significant other is key to receiving better emotional support. “Mostly, your partner wants to make you happy and they just can’t tell how when you’re telling them what they’re doing wrong,” McCaw said. “What a partner needs [to hear is how to make you happy] in a way that they can really understand.”
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