We often try to be kind and understanding to people at work until it reaches a certain point when it is no longer an option, as it would mean allowing someone to abuse our time and energy with useless dead-end complaints, chats, or activities. Taken that we are able to identify such circumstances and trust our own judgment, we are left with nothing else to do but tell the ignorant or rude person off… in a professional manner. That’s when certain phrases can come in handy, as shared by these folks online, answering one Redditor’s question: “What’s the most professional “screw you” you’ve heard in the workplace?”

More info: Reddit

#1

I used to have a coworker who was a know it all who could actually back it up. We had a memory leak (for non programmers: a very big issue) and he found it and was making the fix.

He sayd something in the lines of "the leak is in line 247" and our boss goes nuts, spends an hour ranting about how he wrote that code himself and there was no way the leak was there,

and how dumb he was to think it was there.

Coworker let's him talk for an hour, then with the best poker face says "that's great but the leak is in line 247." Then demonstrates it in a minute.

Image credits: somefuckertookmynick

#2

old coworker of mine was telling me he used to drive a forklift and had an a*****e boss. Came back from lunch 2 minutes late and the manager said " Your fired, move you last load on the forklift and leave"

Coworker: "Ok" and gets back in the forklift and dumps the load right onto the floor and spills everywhere

Manger: WHAT THE HELL!!! PICK THIS SH*T UP!!!

Coworker: You pick it up, I dont work here anymore

Image credits: Dingo9933

#3

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

Image credits: all4whatnot

#4

Working at a call center taking orders from magazines. Customer's credit card keeps getting declined, tells me you can stick the damn card up your a*s!" I reply "I'm sorry sir but you're the only authorized user on the card."

Image credits: OMGitstheBFT

#5

“May the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are”

Image credits: steevo3

#6

"Thank you for your input. Does anyone have something valuable to add?"

Image credits: anon

#7

Once heard a coworker bust out in a monotone voice, "Ma'am, I need you to know that I am not emotionally invested in this conversation. What do you need so we can both go on with our lives?" Really had to stifle my laughter in my cube next to her.

Image credits: Corsmos

#8

During a meeting a (British) manager made a comment about a TV show from the 1990s.

New employee - who loves to emphasize he is young and others are old - says “That show was on before I was born.”

Manager: “You should check it out. Things were good before you were born.”

Image credits: hadashi

#9

I worked for a s****y manager who trashed my work in a performance review. It was an absurd critique that I contested with upper management. In the body of my response, I used my manager’s initials rather than his full name. His initials were MF.

Image credits: blockhose

#10

I had the sweetest old lady as a co-worker. She had been in the company for like 20 years. She knew more about our systems than most of our IT staff. One day, a senior manager in the IT department comes in and tries to tell her that her code was wrong. She put her hand on her chest, shook her head, said "Bless your heart darlin'" and turned around in her chair to continue working.

Our boss laughed so hard and calmly explained to the IT manager why the code should probably not be changed.

#11

When I quit my last job, I wrote a kindly email to all my colleagues thanking them for their guidance and relationship, explaining how I enjoyed my time there. Around 60 people were on the email.

I did not put my abusive sociopath manager or enabling coldhearted director on the email. They found out, and I'm sure others noticed.

After nothing more than a cold response to my first quitting email to my group, all the sudden my director wanted to make amends to save face now that I sent the wider email.

She asked me why I didnt add her on the email about enjoying working with people and liking my time there. I responded "Because that wouldn't be honest."

Bridges burned there, but man those two ruined my life for a while.

Image credits: MyPenWroteThis

#12

‘To save any further confusion on your part...’ had a brutal ring to it when I spotted that in an email chain!

Image credits: Manthatsfuckedup

#13

During an exit interview...

"Ya, I had a great 3 years here."

"But, you worked here for 5 years..."

Image credits: idioteques

#14

"If that is your understanding of the current agreement, we need to revisit the language so that your expectation levels can be set more appropriately."

Image credits: xmagusx

#15

My family works in the textile industry.

Once, my dad worked at a company that had a vendor that made buttons for various types of clothes. They had not paid this vendor yet, but my Dads boss was still pressuring him to pressure the vendor to get something done (I don’t recall the specifics).

Well, the button vendor had taken enough s**t, so he made a a custom run of buttons and sent them back a shirt in which every button had “f**k you, pay me” custom engraved into it.

Professional etiquette? No, definitely not. Professional f**k you? Most definitely.

Image credits: majorpsyche

#16

"We don't need two weeks notice, you can leave this morning."

Image credits: SmarterThanAllOfYou

#17

My dad is the finance manager at a car dealership and he once told me: " Bonsai, it's not what you say, but how you say it."

To illustrate his point, he popped his head out of his office, smiled his biggest, happiest smile, and said "Hey...F**K YOU!" to the 1st employee he saw. The employee turned, saw my dads face and, sure as s**t, smiled back and said "f**k YOU too!" and kept walking.

#18

We have no plans to pursue the matter now or in the future. We ask that you refrain from further contact with us.

Image credits: penny_can

#19

I once worked on a software project for VISA file processing on project. The API that I used in the project we tried to make had a memory leak that was practically impossible to handle and would crash the service a few days later when the server ran out of memory.

Early on I made an alternative solution. Was rejected. Junior me was practically ignored. Needle in a haystack work resumed. Delays happened. Senior consultant suggests and employs a solution identical to my recommendation on the cusp of the deadline. Email chain floated around. I put in my part with a small timeline of events and links to related email chains. Specifically I wanted my boss (I was a contractor) to know and see my position.

One of the bank's employees CC'd the whole chain to the higher-ups later on. My email was found and dissected. Said bosses found the source of the "he-said-she-said-b******t". It was clear they simply ignored me and were covering their asses in the blame game. Many people "resigned".

#20

I was in a meeting where we were planning out a huge client presentation and one of the guys who was there just went off on a complete diatribe of how he would go about adding some flair. He was known for being a loudmouth, and after about 15 minutes of his plans, the team lead just literally put up his hand and waited for him to stop talking. He sat there for 30 seconds in silence and then moved on. No addressing anything that was just said.

Image credits: gellman

#21

In a monthly team meeting of about 45 people a woman stood up and announced "I respectfully disagree with everything you just said". It was amazing. We still use it around the workplace as a joke.

Image credits: AmateurMetronome

#22

I was told during grad school that this is the meaning of "duly noted". It implies that you heard the person, will remember it, but not do a goddamn thing about it.

Image credits: naerbnic

#23

- " There's no way you can force me to show you my ID to cash a check"

Me: "There's no way you can force me to cash the check for you then. Have a nice day. Next costumer please!"

Image credits: humungouspt

#24

"I apologize for the delay in responding to your email. I wanted to ensure that I could give this matter the time and attention it deserves."

#25

"As per my previous email"

or

"Let's take this offline"

or

"Interesting. Moving on"

Image credits: shinyhappycat

#26

My ex-boss once sent an e-mail to her team signed "Kind r***rds".

I guess it could have been a typo, but still...

Image credits: Leo5445

#27

So, one I got to do as an articling student (lawyer-in-training).

So, some guy had sued our client, we were both defending and counterclaiming. My boss says, "Okay, this is some stupid s**t from the other side. Find a way to sort this out."

What was the stupid s**t? The other side had agreed to accept service of the statement of defence, but not of the counterclaim. So, he was arguing we needed to serve the counterclaim on the plaintiff personally.

So, I sent back a letter along these lines:

"Dear sir, I note that rule X of the rules of court specifies that if you are counsel of record on this matter, then service on you is sufficient. The rule does not allow for selective acceptance of service for some documents and not others.

If you are denying that you are counsel of record, then I note that rule Y specifies that the procedure is that all actions on this matter are immediately to be halted until things are resolved by the court. Please see attached case law indicating that where this occurs due to tactical gamesmanship by a party, that the courts have awarded costs on a solicitor-and-own-client basis [IE, that they would have been on the hook for our client's full, actual legal bills--much cash].

I trust you will determine that you are in fact counsel of record and service of these documents is accepted. Please advise immediately."

We very hastily got back a "Yes, we are his lawyers, we accept service".

One of my most satisfying "F**k off and quit your b******t" moments of my legal career.

#28

"Unfortunately your position no longer exists in our current management model."

Or

"You've been promoted to customer."

Both of these from Circuit City (RIP).

#29

Had a clinical specialist at work once who was out to get me. I normally hate it when people say that, but when coworkers repeatedly came up to me and explained that they thought she was out to get me I conceded.

Anyway, she tried to call me out for not documenting a surgical incision on a patient, and called my manager over to witness the encounter. I had no idea what she was talking about, as I hadn’t had any post op traumas in weeks. Finally as she was digging into me I realized she was talking about a patient whose surgery HAD BEEN CANCELLED due to fever; she never set foot in the OR.

Once my realization hit, my “you mean the woman from room X 4 weeks ago? That woman never had surgery, that’s why there was no incision to document on.” Was the best “Eff you” in the work place ever. The follow up “well perhaps you should reread the OR note to confirm.” Was the best “and your little dog, too!”

#30

I had a terrible supervisor years ago. She was dumb as dirt, but thought she was brilliant. If we had a good idea we had to convince her that it was her idea first, then she would implement it.

One day, she was going on and on about some stupid new policy she wanted to start. One of the newer co-workers was trying to argue with her about it. Finally the boss turned to me in frustration and said, “When I give an order you need to do it. Right, Middleaged? I responded with. “Right boss. When you tell me to do something, I do it. No matter how STUPID it is.” She said thank you and left the room.

Image credits: middleagenotdead

#31

“In order to maintain efficiency, I’d prefer to engage with your decision making team.”

Translation: I’d rather not waste my time talking to you, your opinion doesn’t matter to either of our organizations.

Image credits: SwatchQuatch

#32

Overheard my boss once say

"Our policy is...(long pause while he loads up his phrasing, then clearly changes his mind and just says)...no."

Literally thirty years ago and still gives me a chuckle

Image credits: Ladybeetus

#33

The f**k you lawyer letters that I have seen usually start with "Please be advised" and end with "govern yourself accordingly".

Image credits: catjugglinpimp

#34

"I have faith in your ability to figure it out."

I used this line a lot with one of my less-than-stellar trainees.

#35

Attorney: I want these changes made to the document.

My boss: no.

Attorney: you have to make these changes!

My boss: I’m not going to.

Attorney: I insist!

My boss: but it’s not going to happen. So here we are.

Image credits: catsasss

#36

"I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. Please feel free to contact our complaints department."

(To someone who wanted an appointment on a day when there were no appointments available, but insisted that she would come in on that day, at that time)

"You're more than welcome to come in on that day, but I'm afraid there will be nobody available to see you. You'll have much better luck if we simply book an appointment for a different day."

Image credits: Musashi10000

#37

Maybe not a direct "f**k you" but when doing references for employees who sucked.

"I can only confirm that they worked here..." is basically me saying "yeah they worked here, they were s**t and I have nothing good to say about them." It's kind of a read between the lines type thing and the person calling me for the reference tends to get it.

If someone asks you to be a reference and you couldn't weasel out of it, just stick to saying they worked with you and you have no further comments. Don't risk your own professional integrity because of some toolbag that probably quit a week before they were going to be fired.

#38

"Per my email" is a great way of putting it.

Image credits: GrilledStuffedDragon

#39

I am not contractually obligated to fulfill that request. It is also important to note that doing so would also be a violation of international trade laws.

Image credits: lasteclipse

#40

Putting "I hope this helps" at the end of an email where I'm actually being unhelpful.

#41

« Your scheduled appointment was not merely a suggestion »

#42

"Let's hold any further questions until the end."

Image credits: NexGenjutsu

#43

"I'll look into that."

Image credits: AnGabhaDubh

#44

*When someone interrupts a presentation with a dumbass question or statement.*

"That is an interesting point. (Pretends to write something down) I'll come back to that later."