It takes a lot of guts and honesty to admit that your marriage isn’t working. Instead of the happily ever after you imagined, you might have gotten into a relationship full of hidden intimacy issues, gaslighting, and unfairness. When you fully recognize how bad the situation really is, you can start thinking about the future: whether you’ll do anything to salvage what you have or if it’s time to go your separate ways.
Redditor u/readitalreadydude sparked a very candid discussion on the r/AskWomen online community after asking its members what they consider to be a bad marriage. The internet users opened up their hearts about how their own romantic lives had taken a turn for the worse. Read on for their stories, in their own words.
#1
My parents didn’t speak to each other for a decade, unless absolutely necessary. It wasn’t an angry silence, they just didn’t seem to have anything to say to each other. The eventual divorce was messy but ultimately a very good thing. It was a pretty s****y marriage.
Image credits: Ereine
#2
My personal experience was with a guy who was very charming and appeared to be everything I wanted in a partner. Was with him over a decade, but a couple years of reflection after he left and I realized he controlled EVERYTHING in my life with manipulation.Gaslighting, tearing me down in the guise of jokes, withholding sex and shaming me for ever wanting it (think not even once every 6 months), telling me I was a Nazi with money and guilting me out of handling our finances.
He left me for me best friend at my lowest. He’ll never admit to an affair, but they’ve been married for years now. I’d been depressed for years and didn’t realize it. However, I surrounded myself with good people, reconnected with family, and worked on self esteem and improvement. My life is better than it’s ever been now. I still have self esteem and confidence issues that he trained into me, but I knock them away when they come to mind and I’m a hell of a lot better than when I was with him. And I don’t get manipulated by people anymore. His manipulation was so subtle that everyone else is painfully obvious to me.
The shell of a person I was then and the strong happy person I am now are polar opposites.
Image credits: rainydayfun11
#3
I was in one. We had zero intimacy, no love, no household sharing, never went to bed at the same time, never wanted to do anything together. We were basically just house mates at the end of it. There was so much sourness because he never did anything to help out in any possible way
Image credits: GoldRosePetal
The foundation of any healthy and happy long-term relationship is made up of respect, love, honesty, and being attracted to your partner. If some of these things are missing, then odds are that the couple will run into its fair share of challenges. Mutual attraction is also essential because without it, you’re likely to end up in a relationship without any passion or one of the people might end up cheating.
One of the issues that couples face is that they treat marriage as though it was dating. It’s an entirely different ball game.
#4
My parents are in a s****y marriage. My mom pockets all the money between the two and my dad complains, complains, complains about it yet never does anything about it. They’ve been together for 30 years but continue to only grow more toxic - luckily I’m an adult now and don’t have to go through that trauma as much as I did when I was younger.I went to lunch with them a few months ago and they got into a heated argument in the car to the point where my mom was crying hysterically and basically telling my dad to f**k off and die already. A few hours later they were talking as if nothing happened - no one even apologized, as usual.
A s****y marriage is allowing your kids to grow in an environment where that is even something they have to witness, deal with and compartmentalize.
Image credits: bianksterrr
#5
my parents relationship: -my dad has/is cheating on my mom and yet my mom stays with him-she works full time too and still is expected to do all the cooking and cleaning (my siblings and I help but now me and my brother have jobs)
-my dad says he “doesn’t cook or clean” because “why else do i have a wife and kids”
-he belittles her constantly and she writes it off as a joke
-he never actually listens to what anyone says but then gets mad that he’s “kept out of the loop” and “no one told him this”
i could go on but i’ll stop there. if i ever get married, i essentially need the opposite of my dad
Image credits: Playful-Mix7622
#6
My ex husband. No intimacy, no passion, hardly even a friendship. I was the sole caretaker of our children, while he played video games all day. We both worked full time, but I was the only one who cooked or cleaned. I was very tired and worn out, asked him for help multiple times, it always just lead to a fight and I always gave in. He put no effort into spending time with me, which I also asked for multiple times, nothing ever changed. He always put his friends and family ahead of me, even on important dates. We eloped, and the night of our wedding he didn’t even spend it with me. He slowly separated me from all my friends, my hobbies, just sucked the life out of me. He was very controlling and toxic and I just didn’t even see it until he was gone. He also threatened suicide multiple times whenever I even implied wanting to leave. So I felt stuck. Towards the end we had no sex life, I just wasn’t even attracted to him anymore. My cup wasn’t being filled, so why should I fill his? Which of course only angered him, and he ended up having an affair, finally ending our marriage. I was with him for 8 dreadful years. Once it was over, the more I thought about it, I don’t even know what I saw in him in the first place.
Image credits: queenofcatastrophes
When you get married, you’re supposed to approach the relationship in a different way than when you were dating your partner. Now, you have to keep in mind how you and your actions are making your spouse feel on a daily basis.
If you take your vows seriously, then your perspective ought to be that this is all for life. Meanwhile, if you think about dating other people or keeping your options open, your relationship will fall apart very quickly.
#7
My friend asked his mom on his parents’ 25th anniversary how they stayed together for so long and she said, “Eventually I just lost the courage to leave.” Yikes.
Image credits: lookingforaforest
#8
personally when they have to ask the person permission to do something like go to a concert w a friend or such. yes, talk about it for sure but to literally ask if it's ok to go? yeah no
Image credits: seniairam
#9
According to the Gottman Institute the 4 Horsemen (predictors of divorce) are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. IME, this framework is pretty accurate.
Image credits: Forgotten-Sparrow
The key to a happy marriage is genuinely caring for your spouse and not taking them for granted. Married couples want to see each other thrive, so they help each other be the best that they can be. Meanwhile, they also strive to be the best version of themselves for the sake of each other.
And one last thing—remember that (unlike your mother-in-law) your partner is not a mind-reader. They might not notice that they’re annoying you or making you unhappy with their behavior. You need to bring these issues up and air them. There is literally no substitute for good communication. And it’s a skill pretty much everyone needs to brush up on.
#10
The ending of mine. Ex husband was not interested in spending time with me and our daughter. Blamed me for our financial situation. I never spent a dime. Always wanted to be with his cop buddies. Bad/non existence sex. Rarely helped me take care of our daughter.Wow. Reading that, I'm so glad I'm divorced.
Image credits: MamaKelly0305
#11
where it starts to feel like a chore - talking with your partner, kissing or simply touching them, solving any mutual problems, listening to them, etc. when, even if you try your hardest, you can't find anything positive and it's hard to remember the feelings you once had
Image credits: nothingever333
#12
Currently in one. About to divorce.It’s a s****y marriage when only one partner does all the housework, the childcare, the mental load. It’s a s****y marriage when when you ask for help with JUST dishes and laundry, your partner tells you that “you make less money so you deserve to do more.” It’s a s****y marriage when they threaten to harm themselves every time you bring up wanting to discuss something about the relationship dynamic.
12, nearly 13 years of this b******t and I’m done.
Image credits: grafittia
#13
Mine, I have been married for 38 years and 20+ have been more like roommates than partners. I have made every justification imaginable for why we stay together but to be honest it should have ended shortly after our son was born. Love for each other is never the problem but lack of intimacy,sex and compassion for each other is a nightmare to deal with. We just had a conversation recently and realized we both feel the same way and have for a long time so I would say to everyone else if you think it’s wrong then end it and move on.
Image credits: Straight-Expert9795
#14
One that makes life more difficult. Life with a partner is supposed to be easier.
Image credits: insertcaffeine
#15
I was in a very short lived marriage. We were best friends beforehand and I knew he had some issues with cleanliness. But he assured me it would be different once we got our own place. He has a really good heart and showered me with gifts.But I didn't want material items. I wanted a man who would stick to his word, not a boy who gave me empty promises. I wanted a man who would help clean our house, get help for his mental health issues, get help for his physical ailments including severe sleep apnea which forced me to have my own bedroom, help me save up for a house and some land instead of blowing it on merchandise and going to the bar.
I wasn't perfect by any means but dammit I tried. I went to therapy, I took my meds, I begged for more stability, and he was surprised when I asked for a divorce.
#16
Saw a post about a wife whose insurance wouldn’t cover the name brand of her medicine, and she didn’t want to pay the $100 for the name brand; so she decided the skip that months pickup but that her husband was oh so nice and kind enough to pay the $100 himself since he makes more money and it’d be “less of a financial hit for him”.You’re married but keep funds so separated that you opt to not pick up your meds, or that your finances are THAT separate that a necessary purchase that would be a financial hit for you isn’t for the other partner? That’s s****y to me. Not a partnership. Hope they don’t have kids.
#17
Something like my parents’ marriage.No common topics to talk about (but tons of topics to fight over), never sleep together, and rarely communicates (except through me)!
I did ask my mom why on earth are they still married and she was like “I didn’t ask for a divorce just because of you!”
Bruh.
#18
One that costs you your peace, sanity or both.Like, imagine being married to a momma’s boy who can’t communicate for s**t and on top of that has got p**s poor emotional regulation skills… GOD FORBID his insolent, pampered, spoiled-rotten a*s resorts to any form of violence or coercion against his SO when things fail to go his way.
#19
When it’s devolved to the point your spouse is repelling and you dread seeing them.
Image credits: Altruistic-Ad6449
#20
In my opinion is doesn’t have to be multiple horrible things, it can just be one. You can be best friends but have a dead bedroom, or great sex but spend no time together. Maybe they are a great partner but horrible parent to your kids. Anything that makes you unhappy. You really can have it all so settling for one horrible aspect of a relationship is not worth it.For anyone questioning their marriage i highly recommend the book Too good to leave, too bad to stay. It’s an audiobook too. You will know by the end of the book if it’s time to leave.
#21
One where a person settles for and marries their spouse. So far three of my friends are either already divorced or are currently in the middle of getting divorced (one couple without kids and two couples with kids). Two of my other friends are in unhappy crumbling marriages with kids so we’ll see how it goes. Meanwhile my husband and I are happily married, childfree, crazy in love and always enjoy spending time together. Never settle ladies! From what I’ve seen it either ends in divorce or the couple stay married, miserable and resent each other.#22
Well, there's all different kinds. How s****y? We all know abuse is s****y. What point between both spouses basically being happy with the situation and abusive from one or both sides does it get s****y? For me, a longterm relationship where I was the only one trying to make it better was s****y. For the life of me, I can't understand why people aren't more invested in having a healthy relationship. As people often say, marriage takes work. But the payoff is huge for the amount you have to invest most of the time. I spent years saying exactly what I wanted and needed and not getting it. One of the reasons I can't relate to gender-based humor is that I never passive-aggressively claimed I was fine. I never told him not to get me a gift when I actually wanted one. I communicated things clearly. I told him I'd like to get flowers sometimes. He wouldn't (until he felt threatened by another man) because "flowers are stupid" and "you can buy your own flowers". The former is subjective and the latter is true but not the point. He couldn't make the simplest of romantic gestures to make me happy. He couldn't bend his viewpoint to recognize that not everyone had the exact same priorities or values and that couples have to find compromises. That was not our only problem. I just think the flowers are pretty emblematic of what our relationship became. It's amazing how many men stop trying completely after the "wooing" stage is over. You can wind up trapped because you developed love for someone who just doesn't want to work on the relationship at all. I know someone who got into a longterm relationship with a man who used to take her out. She has an illness that requires someone to push her in her wheelchair when out and about. Once they were settled and living together, he didn't do that anymore and flat-out said he only did that to get her. He lied with his actions about what kind of partner he would be. That's beyond just being on your best behavior or being nicer because you're infatuated. That's a premeditated trap. I wonder how often that happens, and the guy just won't admit it.
Image credits: Julie-of-the-Wolves
#23
- One in which the in-laws are disrepectful to their daughter or son in law, but the spouse refuses to see. Nothing I ever do is good in their eyes, despite acting cordially years and years.- When one partner or both don’t take account their partner’s wishes and feelings.
- When resent starts to build up because you have conflicts you can’t resolve
- When there’s an imbalance of power in the couple
- When you stop desiring intimacy and you’d rather work
- When you’re not each others priority, but other people are
- When you don’t get excited planning the future together.
- When you got betrayed and you don’t trust him anymore
- When he wants you to be this perfect happy doll with a smile on your face that does everything he says…and can’t listen to your real side
- When you feel trapped and find it harder and harder to experience happiness.
Image credits: Silent_System6884
#24
My in-law's. It's not an abusive marriage, and it has its nice moments, I guess. But it's not a partnership, they're not a team, they rarely seem to take joy in one another, they can both say things with the intention to hurt in fights.I think marriages that aren't "s****y" can be HARD. If one partner gets very, very, ill, then the healthy partner's life would probably be easier without having to care for a sick person. Chronic pain, depression, misaligned work schedules, can all make sex less frequent than one or both partners may want for periods of time. But you have to be on the same team, support each other as much as you can, even if that support becomes, by necessity, very uneven, and what's the point if you cannot take joy in one another's happiness.
Image credits: pamplemouss
#25
Anyone having to walk on eggshells around the other person.
Image credits: Holybull79
#26
Lack of trust, unproportionate division of labor, not sharing priorities, someone putting in bare minimum or less, selfishness emotionally and sexually
Image credits: thisthesubforme
#27
When one or both partners are dependent on the other one and this is the only reason the marriage exists.The classic situation: They have young kinds and a home they share owning. The wife depends on the husband for money, the husband depends on the wife like a child depends on their mother, for food, clean clothes, and getting the household in order.
A "s****y marriage" isn't a violent or toxic one, it is so bad that people are constantly annoyed but not bad enough to finally make them leave. So this continues for a long time, sometimes forever. The partners low key hate each other, cheating may occurr, but they stay together, sometimes forever, looking down on people who get divorced or stay unmarried.
The tale of many many of our grandparents and parents.
Image credits: schwarzmalerin
