“What Did Your Spouse Hide From You Until After You Were Already Married?” (89 Answers)

Deciding to marry someone can mean threading a fine line between discovering what picking a life partner will be like and avoiding hitching yourself to the wrong person. As many folks have discovered later in life, people can be full of surprises.
Someone asked women “What did your spouse hide from you until after you were already married?” and people shared both dark and wholesome stories. So get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments below.


That he is a really hard worker. He completely changed the day we got married. I don’t mean change in a bad way. He f*****g stepped his game up. He puts in the work every single day to keep our marriage in such a good spot.

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We never married and are no longer together, but she is the mother of my son.

She hid from me just how good of a mum she would be, was of the opinion for a long time she never wanted any kids, but we spoke about it and decided to have one, what a woman she is, she's got pretty bad depression, early menopause, and endometriosis, every day for her is different, but god that woman steps up every day for our son, things didn't work between us nothing bad, just circumstances, but I love that woman so much for what she does.

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His favourite dinosaur is the triceratops. I had to hear it from our two year old.

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Privacy is always important to some degree, even in a marriage. In many places there are legal protections in case you do need to spill the beans, but in most situations, like the ones here, the issues are hardly criminal. On the other hand, talking about trauma, for example, is a classic case where privacy might be important, marriage or not.

While holding something from your spouse forever might be questionable, sometimes speaking about something difficult to talk about isn’t as easy as just sitting down and spilling the beans. The various traumatic examples in these stories are evidence of that. Childhood trauma and horrible relationships all influence what a person feels comfortable or uncomfortable speaking about.


How freaking smart he was. Some things had never come up before. But he could figure out how to do stuff, fix stuff, problem solve…he never failed to surprise me.

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That he loves jigsaw puzzles! I guess I didn't tell him I did either. We found out on our honeymoon. It started a lovely tradition where we now buy a challenging puzzle from the places we visit together.

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A lot of stuff about his childhood- I knew he was abused, I didn’t know the extent of it and it makes me sick how his mother and father treated him. We cut his mom off years ago but his dad took off on his family when he turned 9 :( My husband has admitted he doesn’t really know what it’s like to have a family and that I am his family.

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That my husband can make this sound with his mouth and it sounds EXACTLY like a guinea pig. I still don't get how he does it, now our 10 year old son can also make this sound and I just dont get it. It's some form of sorcery.

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The insane way he was brought up. His siblings went to kindergarten but not him. He was locked in a room while the parents worked (he is the eldest). It still doesn’t bother him!

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That he was a paranoid schizophrenic.

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Married her thinking we had both been prior divorced once. Turns out she had been married an extra time. I thought Ok, its a Vegas thing or something when you were young, nope, she was married fo 7 years to her child hood sweetheart. Turns out she lied about just about everything to do with her personal life. Divorced three years later.

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Oof that he was predominantly asexual. I support Aces, but that's really something you need to let your partner know about before a commitment like that.

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I’ve got a crazy one. I found out my ex husband had an adult baby/diaper fetish after we married. He had even gone as far as putting up ads online looking for women to change him. Found one of his ads where he made up a story about being incontinent from a car accident…which was completely false and made up.

He told me about this fetish after we got married, but it never came up again until the end of our marriage, which is when I found the ads he put online. He wanted to act on it more and wanted me to be involved. I didn’t understand it and, to be honest, it grossed me TF out.

We started seeing a marriage counselor, and she suggested me giving him boundaries…like certain days where he was allowed to wear the briefs and do adult baby stuff. All it took was one time seeing him, a grown man sitting on a blanket on the floor with a pacifier, bottle, and adult diaper on, I just couldn’t take it…I ended the marriage shortly after that.

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Exactly how patient he'd be with my ADHD. The dude is superhuman. *I* get more frustrated about my ADHD than he does.


He had never paid taxes during his military career. Never. 5 years. Still blows my mind how that’s even possible. Bottom line, 6 months into the marriage, I’m attempting to buy a sandwich and my card declines. That’s weird. Checked the joint bank account, IRS took everything.

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That she was a trans woman (MtF).

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We never got married but my partner hid that he was about to go bankrupt until I was 6 months pregnant. That was fun times!!

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He knew every word to the 2001 Cinematic masterpiece Shrek. I didn't know it until after we were married for FIVE YEARS.

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That his family was crazy abusive and neglectful and he thought it was all normal until I told him no, it’s not normal to get beaten every day and it’s not normal for your mom to pass out drunk and you have to feed and take care of your baby brother at only 7 years old.


I asked my mother about this once. She said she didn’t learn until after marriage that my dad very frequently attends funerals! She noticed in their first year there seemed to always be a friend of a family friend, extended relative, an old piano teacher, etc whose funeral mass my dad would attend. He’s from a huge family with tons of siblings/uncles/aunts with lots of extended friends and relatives. Latinos lol. She asked him why he attends every single one even if he hardly knew the person and he said he just feels strongly it’s the right thing to do, because his mom raised him that way. My dad is very wholesome. My parents have been married 42 years and he is still this way. It’s not infrequent I’ll catch up with my dad on the weekend and ask him what he’s up to and he says “well I’m attending the mass for so & so’s mom, remember her?” (I never do).

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Years and years ago my relative hid a wife and kids across the globe from his new wife until she called his parents and the old wife answered ? old wife thought he died in war.

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That he can catch flies in mid air like a f*****g ninja.

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Not my spouse, but my friends' spouse hid kids he didn't take care of. The way she found out? Getting a letter from the IRS that their refund was snatched for back child support.

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$20,000 worth of credit card debt.

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His affairs. I married someone who was actively dating many other women and really great at hiding it - until we got married - then suddenly the affairs were everywhere and he didn’t try to hide them. Divorced now, obviously.

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That right up until the night before we got married that his family was trying to talk him out of getting married and even went so far as to say they’d cover for him if he cheated (he did not cheat and had no desire to).

I’m glad he hid it before we married(I was dealing with wedding stress plus sick my own seriously ill parents so hearing this when we were engaged would have sent me over the edge). He did tell me not long after we got married.

Will say that I’ve not fully trusted my Inlaws since then, and it’s been over 20 years.


A second refrigerator in the garage. It was hidden. I saw our daughter eating a popsicle and I asked her where she got it. She said “dad’s fridge” and I asked what that meant. She walked outside and showed me what “dad’s fridge” was and I’ll be damned. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.

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He hates mushrooms. I used to make this mushroom lasagna with 4 kinds of mushrooms and a mushroom bechamel and he would eat seconds! The deep streak of British politeness meaning he would eat whatever I made didn't break until a few years into marriage.


That he loves smelling me with what he now phrases as "deep druggie breaths." And strangely enough also licking me (and I mean in a non-sexual way and not as a precursor to sex). Like, he'll smell my neck in the morning, lightly give me a peck on the shoulder and then also lightly lick it, as though for good measure or something! Very quirky but endearing as well.


That he was contributing a percentage of his paycheck to a different bank account. I always knew he had another bank account (aka a personal account… we use our joint account for everything) but I always figured the money in it solely came from “odd jobs” and things of that nature. Then, one day, I saw his paystub, and noticed he was contributing $600 each pay check to his own personal account. It ended up causing the biggest fight we’ve ever had. I wasn’t upset/mad about the fact that he wanted a personal account or that he was contributing toward it- it was the fact that he hid it from me. After that, I set up my own personal account and started contributing $600 per paycheck to it as well.

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Kids, his age, his felonies/attempt of murder charge, he didn’t own the house he was living like he said he did, a prior marriage. God that’s probably more but this was over 10 years ago.


Substance addiction.

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That he cheated on me and had a kid.

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We (thankfully) didn’t get married, but…I knew he had 2 kids from two previous women. I didn’t know about the other 3 from two other women until after we moved in. After we broke up he went on to have 2 more with two other women. He doesn’t take care of a single one.

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Our wedding night, I woke up from a deep sleep because he had terrible gas. His farts were so loud, and often, I actually felt badly for him! In the morning I asked if he was feeling okay, if the food had upset his stomach, if he needed to postpone our honeymoon trip…

He had been holding it in for the five years we were dating.


That he was an abuser who had no interest in attempting to be a decent person after the honeymoon stage ended. Never saw it coming...


That he can juggle lol like how did this not come up until after 8 years?

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That he had severe erectile dysfunction. (We were Jehovah witnesses at the time so no sex before marriage).


Bowel issues. They’re genetic and cause him to last an hour in the restroom daily. It really sucks when I have to pee.

Also how destructively envious his mom was of my family. Explained why she’s always so critical of me, she’s looking for ways to tear me down to her level.

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That he had a secret brother! I found out the day of our wedding. Funnily enough I couldn't 100% trust my husband after that and yes - he was very secretive about what his plans were and what his thoughts were even on a daily chat basis! and thats one of the reasons I ended up leaving.


I wasnt aware of the brother because he had never been mentioned in the 2 years Id known my husband before we married.

I get that men have a lot going on in their minds and I respect that it is the way many sort things out - but keeping the existence of a brother secret was shocking to me.

Even the family never mentioned the brother - he wasn't even in family photos. And he was (still is) the nicest guy.

Im out of my own way now - Im open to life and humans with all their foibles.

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He hid that he can learn how to cook anything. He applies the same attention to detail and care to everything he sets out to do. He makes corn tortillas that are as good as my grandma's.


His bisexuality.

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That he can curse fluently in French.


I kept a major secret from my husband. I told him late at night about three months after we were married, but we’re together for 10 years.

Me: “I have something to tell you. This is may be the most secure that I’ve felt in our relationship and I hope it doesn’t change how you feel about me.”

Him: “ok”

Me: “I’m a Nickelback fan.”

And now I’ve told all of Reddit.

Might delete later.


Tons of childhood trauma he has yet to deal with and a p*rn addiction.

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That he enjoyed taunting, hitting, and was kinder to strangers than his wife and babies. He refused to get help for being an abuser.


Oh yeah and he thinks of k*lling people multiple times a day, every single day. Shoulda believed him.

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That he was an amazing piano player and could sculpt realistic objects.


He didn’t know how to use the washing machine

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The first meal I made for him when dating was way too horrendously salty but he didn’t want to hurt my feelings telling me. It took him almost 3 years to let me know.


1. That he was actually an introvert, despite saying he was an extrovert. This means we have a very different life to the one pre-marriage / cohabitation and potentially one I would not have opted into.

2. That despite nodding and smiling and saying all the right things before hand, he didn’t actually want to put our relationship first to ensure we were rock solid for our potential children. The second I was pregnant I became in effect his gestational carrier. Makes him a great dad and a practically non-existent husband.


Probably that he had no interest in maintaining a relationship after marriage. He just left it and made zero effort anymore, carried on with his own life as if I wasn't a factor in it. He also lied a lot and did cheat at least once (he didn't consider happy endings cheating, I do.) so I'm sure that happened prior to marriage as well. He's now my ex.


He was an addict. He was addicted to shopping, s*x, gambling, and m*th.


A big ol destructive ragey temper.


He never graduated from college... Which all of us thought he had an associates related to physical therapy.

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I got super excited when we saw a Bigfoot museum in North Georgia and wanted to go. My husband was shocked. This is the day we learned we have different opinions on whether he’s real or not. Told me he might not of married me had he known my beliefs on Bigfoot. Guess it never came up before.


6 months in, he admitted to being in love with his ex from 5 years prior. I found the letter he wrote to her and confronted him about it, and then he admitted it. The letter tells her how he missed her, was still in love with her, could never love anyone else, and would do anything to get back with her.


How antisocial and rude his family actually is and just how mentally draining they can be. Also forgot to mention how controlling his mother is and how everyone uses him.


That he has ADHD. Our son was recently diagnosed with it and that’s when it came out.

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That he had a DUI. That he actually did not have the college degree he said he had (found that out during the divorce). I am pretty sure he hid lots of other things too, but I try not to think about it now.


Their first-degree misdemeanor charge. Since divorced.


His anger issues ?.


That he doesn't understand how to use cleaning supplies. I asked him to wipe down the table and he used hand sanitizer rather than a Lysol spray or wipe. I often catch him using windex for wiping down the kitchen counters or cleaning up floor messes. Most people would use a paper towel where it's completely open or folded up neatly- not him, he crinkles the paper towel immediately before wiping his mouth or cleaning a mess and I keep having to remind him that he's wasting a lot of surface space on the paper towel. He uses a wet wipe before using toilet paper. I always thought use the toilet paper first, then wipe with a wet wipe to clean/freshen your b******e but nope, he says the wet wipe gets it all clean immediately and then the TP dries his butt. That's fair.

The man is wicked smart when it comes to numbers. But that common sense is truly lacking with him. Sometimes I just stare at him when he's cleaning and wonder how he got here. But ultimately, it isn't hurting anyone so I walk away lol.


My ex husband hid the fact that he dropped out of high school. We had lots of issues though, but I found this fact out from his cousin who didn’t know that I didn’t know. She said something like, “I’m so proud of him for where he is in life. He came so far after dropping out of high school.” And I was standing there looking at her like a deer in headlights. His dropping out would NOT have been a dealbreaker, but I never got over his lying (on top of a sh*tload of other issues).


That my ring was picked out and designed by his ex wooooo.


That he had a thing for taking photos of me when I was asleep/ medicated. Well not just me, it was all of his partners he ever had, oh and some friends. This wasn't just a few photos either. I only found how deep this rabbit hole went after I ended our relationship.


How much of a football fan he was. We met while we were both still in college so maybe he was too busy to watch? Or purposely hid it? I’m not sure but he’s an emotionally ridiculous man-child whenever his team is on. It’s infuriating because I hate sports and his reactions.

Other than that, a very solid marriage.


That he pronounces “gif” as “jif.” Horrifying.


That he’s as much a foodie as me. He always seemed to be kinda “meh” when it came to food and it was partly because of his many food allergies. Now? After 3 years of marriage he is just as much invested in food as I am. Sometimes more than me. We watch so many cooking shows together now and he’s learning so much about cooking…… his skills are rivaling mine haha!


After 28 years of marriage, I found out that my husband had been a D & D nerd before we met. We were alternative-grunge people when we married. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have dated him to begin with, had I known that, but I’m glad I did! He’s a super sweet guy and would/does do anything for me. ?.


That he has Asthma and has an inhaler…we’ve been together 10 years.


That he knows all the lyrics to the entire Smurf’s Go Pop album.


We’ve been together since we were 14, he admitted to me 6 years after marriage that he lost his virginity to me which was a shock because when we met I was under the impression he has slept with a couple girls already.

Biggest shock lol.


That his step-father, whom officiated our wedding, said that he thought I was only with my husband for his money when he told him we were marrying a handful of months before. Also, surprise, there was never any money… Still isn’t.


Kissing makes him uncomfortable.


How much he farts. He held all that gas in for 3 damn years. Like damn.


He deliberately, with full malice of forethought deceived me into thinking he was an adventurous eater when he is the pickiest eater alive. Take heed-- this is a valid reason for a long engagement. He'd have never been able to keep up the façade much longer than he did, so if I had given it some time I could have made an informed decision about spending the rest of my life with a man who wasn't try anything new, or a casserole.


He assumed that after we got married we’d start going everywhere together and doing everything together. I’m an introvert who has always been open about needing a lot of time to myself. It was a struggle for a while.


He has a life-sized cutout of Will Ferrell’s character from Anchorman just folded under his bed. Got it from an old neighbor who worked at a movie theater years ago. I only found this out because he randomly mentioned it in passing during a conversation.

We’re not married yet and have been together for a couple years now.


That he had histrionic personality disorder and was struggling with depression. Found out while 4 months pregnant.


That he was so unable to communicate about perceived conflict that he would rather suggest food, activities, and future plans that he thought I would like but he didn’t like than possibly suggest the opposite, resulting in growing confusion on my part and increasing resentment on his part if I didn’t like an activity he suggested or if I thought I was capitulating to an activity or plan he suggested (when in reality he didn’t want to do it at all). He became more and more unhappy but insisted everything was fine and we were good. After he asked for a divorce it all came out. I have no idea how much of my marriage was a lie. All of the things we did that I thought we had fun doing may have been things he didn’t even like. It’s been absolutely mind boggling to understand retrospectively. If you ever see this happening in your relationship, please get couples communication therapy! This didn’t have to happen and it was so awful for both of us.


His performance anxiety, his road rage, his triggers…

But time has also exposed his desire to be better.


That he had a load of debt from being tricked into a local art school, and his inability to change or grow as a person because he got fed the lie that "we don't hit women under any circumstance" and then blamed me for being hurt by a woman i directly told him not to be alone with saying i should have done something

its been 5 years of only me working and i want out so damn bad.


That he knows how to install hardwood floors and did NOT let me know when we put new floors in our house (I got LVP, but now I know I could have gotten hardwood). I think about this a lot.


His fascination with serial killers and enjoyment of movies like 10 Things I Hate About You.


There is a curse on his family.

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He was still smoking.


That he never actually wanted to get married or have the responsibilities that have to do with having a family. He just loved the chase and the satisfaction when I finally agreed to start daring him, but after he knew he 'got me', he lost interest pretty much lol.


That his ex wife had serious mental health issues. My expectation was having “us” time every other weekend and one night a week since he had primary custody. Instead a month into our marriage his ex was hospitalized and we were driving his daughter to see his mother in long term hospital care every weekend. It took up our Saturdays.


He always pretended to be “the cool guy” at work. I always had some doubts about this because of what an introvert he is, but was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing he can be social with the right people.

He was NOT the cool guy.