We’ve all heard of “The Honey-Do List”, that combination of chores, projects, and errands a sista might give her man to accomplish on the weekend or on a routine basis when he’s off work. He does this out of love and to share in doing the tasks needed to help keep the home, car, and family going and safe. He does this for her, but she also does things for him. She may cook, clean, do laundry, and grocery shop to help out with the household and take loving care of him and their family. As weighty as both of their responsibilities, the day-to-day could easily put the woman in the role of being less of a wife/partner and more of a mommy. Over time the mommy role can become easy, not necessarily comfortable, but it isn’t sustainable over the long term. Here are some ways to avoid that trap in your relationship.
1. Meals and more
As a wife/partner to your man, you want him to be happy, healthy, and helpful with everything. From sharing the domestic duties of the household to killing it at work and contributing his fair share to the expenses, these are not unreasonable expectations. As his wife/partner, this is the foundational expectation you may have for you to be able to lend him your support.
What does the day-to-day look like in the wife/partner role? It may be making a special meal and keeping a peaceful refuge in their home; using a special, softer, less nagging, more appreciative-sounding tone; or with promises that speak his love language for a more personal, romantic, or shared, intimate pleasure. She can encourage him like a cheerleader, in his corner as his number one fan. She can also celebrate him as only a wife/partner can when he comes home. She can also pray for him and listen to him. Most of all, she can give him her dedicated attention as a loving wife or partner and offer counsel when asked or needed.
If it seems like sexual intimacy is the only difference between a wife/partner and a mommy, this is false to a certain extent. There are levels and types of intimacy, and they vary in degree and strength in your relationship. Exploration favors the courageous who accept the challenge of expanding their repertoire of types of intimacy instead of easily resorting to the tried and true sexual type of intimacy. The guy you have and the man you need him to become for you in your shared household determines what type of intimacy is necessary for your proper role in the life of your man.
Good timing and communication make a difference in how well you relate to one another. This too can be reflected in your expression beyond the sexual. This takes skill as it can make the line between wife/partner and mommy blurry or confuse the roles from multi-dimensional to flat, but it doesn’t have to. It can be healthy as you both see what is positive that you import from the time-tested familiarities of the mommy role and how it might add benefit to the proper wife/partner role in the man’s life. When done well, it can lead to enjoying each other in the successful building up of your relationship through the rest of your lives as a couple.
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2. Arguments
Arguments, for example, are the place for grown folks in an altercation about grown folks’ issues when timing and communication have failed. Fighting fair is the weapon of choice for elevated discussions. Sometimes this is bypassed and replaced with bickering over petty grudges. That is where everything, every wrong ever done, is brought up and re-hashed for the umpteenth time without deep resolution. A mommy can want husband-like loyalty and support from her son, or a wife/partner can want her husband/partner to obey her like a son in his response to her demands. The assumption of the mommy role might try to force the “son”/husband/partner to do what she wants and still show that he respects her role and her rules. Neither of these is healthy nor feasible over the long term.
The wife/partner at her best, however, still needs and wants respect, but it need not come at any cost. She wants to preserve the relationship and strengthen the marriage. Any domestic discord can turn into a dispute; with a little tweaking in their communication, both partners/spouses will feel accurately heard and genuinely honored, communicate better, and listen to one another. Neither interaction style is less. Recovery from hurtful words or disrespectful behavior is hard to restore and challenging to forgive.
A mommy may yell on a rare occasion and as a last resort, but a wife/partner should watch her tone. A mommy may challenge her adult son, as a man, with consequences, but a wife/partner should not issue an ultimatum unless she is willing to accept the lesser of the choices she places before her man. Either role could articulate how her expectations are broken. The strong couple can set disagreements aside and come together to decide how to move forward, better and stronger, and fully able to go the distance.
2. Last words
The mommy and the wife/partner are two of the most significant relationships in a man’s life. Just as an adult relationship between mommy and son is difficult to create, a partnership/marriage takes daily work and dedication in its cultivation. Respect is at the heart of either good relationship.
Although it’s so important to state one’s peace, making such a statement need not break the bonds of the relationship when these are the last words between you two. It’s good practice to not send the other person away after speaking to tear down. Soul-crushing, angry words intended to hurt hold no place in either role. Our Black men are attacked from all sides all the time in the world we live, struggle, and strive in. We should not distress and destroy them even further on the home front with the hurtful words we choose to use, and all too soon regret.
It is not too late to change in ways that matter if you’re a wife/partner who has assumed more of a mommy role. At its root, the more proper mastery of wifely timing for the whens and hows of communication must come from a safe place of love and respect. We all can do better in how we show love in the lives of the ones we care about deeply. Otherwise, we risk tearing such precious relationships apart. The most negative aspects of the unhealthiest expression from the mommy or wife/partner role rule book can’t result in a strong, enduring relationship. Intentions to control another will never succeed. If the relationship somehow manages to last in its unhealthy state, it won’t thrive, and the adults will suffer the worst because of it.
Playing the proper role in your man’s life is not for the faint of heart. It is serious business. Be more of the difference you seek in others and your relationship will reap more of the benefits.
